I left Amazon US for Amazon India. I took a pay cut to get my life back. My mindset was “I don’t care whatever is going to happen”. Then I started caring and gave it away, one extra hour at a time.
Nobody asked me to. My own mind did.
Over the past couple of months, my anxiety has gone up. The cause is work.
The expectations are high, the pace is fast, and the current culture heavily rewards constant availability.
While the team's commitment to delivering results is clear, the current velocity leaves little room for error. I wrote about it in I Almost Left My Team at Amazon Just Four Months After Joining. I knew I had to adjust. I did. Maybe too well.
I thought I would leave
When I moved back from the U.S. to India, I decided I would do my own thing. I would resign eventually.
That never happened. There is a saying that
Salary is a drug in the modern world.
Right now, I really mean it.
People will argue with you. They will give you advice on everything. But ask the same person to lose their salary, or even reduce it, and they can’t afford to. I think 99% can’t do it.
I am grateful I could. Environment, family, people, team. Many things came together. I moved from Amazon Seattle, working at headquarters, to Amazon India, and I took the lower pay.
In the first two months, I hardly did anything extra. I worked reasonable hours, which is what I wanted. Whatever is going to happen (including worse), let it happen. I don’t care.
Then I slipped into the workaholic mindset. More hours. More workload. I think I did that to prove I was capable. I wrote about how that happens in You do not decide to become a workaholic.
Yesterday something went wrong
I made a decision. I recommended it to everyone in my organization. I explained the state we should expect.
It did not go that way. People used the feature differently. We ended up in a state worse than where we started.
I felt I had made the wrong decision. I felt I was going to get caught, sudden imposter syndrome feeling rush.
The survival instinct came in instantly. When survival is on the line, there are only two ways: fight or flight.
I could fight. The decision was right. The expected state was right. The usage was different. It was not “completely” my fault. So I chose to fight it and will fight it.
But in my mind, I also built the flight option.
Then I read Osho
Few hours ago, I read a few lines of Osho’s The Book of Nothing. He says all tension comes from goals. No goals, no tension. No tension, no worry, no anxiety, no stress, no depression.
I stepped back and looked at my own goals.
I wanted to be a good engineer on my team. I wanted to prove myself to my colleagues, my manager, and my manager’s manager. I even started promotion talks. I wanted a good profile and good performance reviews. I wanted to look good. I wanted to be appreciated.
I think appreciation is a basic human need. But look at the order. In the first two months, I had no goals, and I worked reasonable hours. Then my mind created them.
Promotion.
A great review.
Looking good in front of everyone.
The goals came first. The stress came after.
Why I want to change
It is not only the stress, or the extra hours.
In IT, every day some company lays people off, left and right. They don’t care about one person’s performance or growth. They can let you go, and they do.
One of my closest colleagues, my mentor, worked at Amazon for more than 15 years. His manager did not understand the problem. He got into an argument. Soon he was on Focus. Eventually, he had to leave. It is painful to hear, but living through it is completely devastating.
I put myself in his place. Say I give a company 14 very good years. Then in one year, something goes wrong.
A hard problem.
A complex project.
Or trouble in the family, and I can’t put in my hours.
The company will let me go.
A company does not feel gratitude.
While you hold the position, you get the money and get all the benefits. When you stop, you are gone by morning.
In Leaders Eat Last, Simon Sinek writes that the perks, benefits and advantages of a position “aren’t meant for you. They are meant for the role you fill.” Enjoy them. Just don’t feel accountable for them.
It is the same in every field. Not only IT. Doctors, scientists, lawyers, judges, politicians.
The perks follow the role. Whoever sits in it gets them for a while.
It is all temporary. Every role gets replaced, and there are bigger ones behind it. Read history.
What I’m taking from this
The perks are for the chair. Never for the person.
I am part of the rat race. But now I want to be the rat who goes in the sideline.
Maybe I’ll give a few of them a push, if it makes them happier. And whoever wants to sit behind me, I’ll guide.
The old mindset was “I don’t care whatever is going to happen.” It stopped working. The last few months made me forget it. It is my job to keep reminding myself.
So I’m changing the words. The new mindset is this:
I’ve already been let go. I’m just a contractor, helping finish this project.
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