The Unwritten Roadmap
Surviving Amazon layoffs, the 'physics' of sleep deprivation, and a one-way ticket to India.
I’ve been quiet for a while. Last year, life didn’t just change - it reset.
I became a father to a baby boy.
For a software engineer used to the comfort of logic and the reliability of predictable code, the chaos of new parenthood was a wake-up call I wasn't "totally" prepared for.
The Addiction We Don’t Talk About
In the hospital, things got complicated.
I remember the suffocating silence before my son’s first cry. When it finally happened, the relief was more intense than resolving a production-breaking bug after days of struggle.
But that’s when the “addiction” started which I noticed to myself.
We usually think of addiction as drugs, alcohol, or the dopamine hit of social media. For me, it was my newborn.
I found myself checking his breathing every few minutes. I was obsessed with his safety, paralyzed by the fear of the unknown.
In the world of dev-ops, we call this “over-monitoring.” In fatherhood, it’s just the raw, terrifying reality of love.
The Physics of Sleep Deprivation
Because of the birth complications, I stayed awake for 48 hours straight. I maybe managed two hours of shallow rest.
When I finally lay down, my entire body started to vibrate.
It felt like a different kind of intoxication. It turns out, that’s because it is.
The Research: Science shows that staying awake for 24 hours straight impairs your cognitive performance as much as a blood alcohol concentration (BAC) of 0.10%. That is well above the legal limit for driving.
For programmers and managers who brag about “the grind,” let this be a warning. You aren’t being productive; you’re just drunk on exhaustion.
A Fracturing Corporate World
While I was navigating fatherhood, the corporate world was fracturing.
I survived two rounds of tech layoffs at Amazon. The uncertainty was a ghost that followed me down every hallway.
I still have my job, but the “Amazonian” spirit feels different now.
I’ve always believed that change is the only certainty in life. If you can’t get comfortable with change, you won’t survive in this industry.
But the recent shifts in Big Tech culture don’t feel same.
The Decision to Walk Away
I’m about to make a decision that would make most career-driven professionals sweat.
I’m moving back to India.
I have no certain plans. I have no “next move” lined up on LinkedIn.
For a person who usually craves a roadmap, this is deeply uncomfortable. But comfort is often the enemy of growth.
The career will always be there. This time with my son and my family won’t.
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. - MLK
Stay tuned. The next chapter is unwritten.
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