A Story of Overcoming Inner Turmoil
Journey Through Anxiety and Depression, Unexpected Gift of a Broken Mind.
A few years ago, during my time at Amazon, I experienced a profound mental health crisis. I'd like to share what that period truly felt like.
Imagine waking up every day with a headache that isn't physical, but a mental burden. That was my reality during my time at Amazon. Finding no pleasure in anything, yet continuing on as if there's no escape. Your mind is constantly fatigued, and you can even feel the exhaustion in your body.
A Mind on Overload
The worries quickly piled up: health, relationships, upcoming meetings, current projects, colleagues, future career, finances, politics, and even laws. The list became endless. You feel perpetually on the verge of being exposed as an impostor, and every meeting brings a chill.
Your heart pounds loudly, and you experience moments of black vision, like a scene from a movie. Your mind can go completely blank, a sensation you've never known before. One moment you might feel on top of the world, but most often, you're utterly helpless.
The Weight of Decisions
Simple choices, like what to eat, felt as monumental as farming in a desert. Even after ordering from a restaurant, you'd second-guess the decision. You become so mentally drained that it's hard to recover. Regret over past choices weighs heavily.
Your mind races at an uncontrollable speed, like a falling star. It's impossible to stop; it's just out of control.
During these times, you perceive life in a way others don't. You can't share your thoughts with friends, fearing they'll think you're crazy. While they enjoy Netflix or sports, you find it all a complete waste of time. Eventually, you learn new words to describe what you're feeling: anxiety and depression.
The Grip of Anxiety
Anxiety is at its peak in this state, making you easily irritated. Even a small mishap, like wasting toothpaste, can lead to intense self-punishment. If you wake up in the middle of the night, you just want to start working.
After many nights of this, sleep itself becomes an incredibly difficult task. Sometimes, you just don't want to go to bed, feeling a relentless restlessness.
You can't even sit still for more than a few minutes. Whether it's the middle of the night or during lunch with friends, your thoughts jump to distant future events, like the year 2055, with little or no reason for concern.
The Rabbit Hole
After many days, you just beg for a single minute of peace from your thoughts. But it never stops. Your mind becomes consumed with negative outcomes, pulling you deeper into a rabbit hole of endless "what if" scenarios.
Even when you consider taking time off, an internal critic whispers that you're running away from your problems. It calls you names: coward, not smart, fearful, weak, stupid. You begin to believe you're misusing PTO and taking benefits unfairly. Anxiety then convinces you that your misuse will be discovered.
Both your inner and outer worlds suggest you're using a "sympathy card" instead of solving the real problem. So you keep repeating what you’ve been doing.
Finding the Good
While these experiences are incredibly challenging, they also have a silver lining. This period taught me profound lessons that one adult could never learn in a normal life. I began questioning everything, like a child, including unanswerable and answerable questions.
I asked myself:
"What am I doing with my life?"
"Why am I not making progress?"
"Am I living up to expectations or letting others down?"
"Am I going in circles?"
And critically, "What is the purpose of life?"
"Why do we exist on Earth?"
In this state, you learn at the speed of a child, finding answers that most people never even conceive, as they are too caught up in the rat race.
At the time, you may not understand what you're fighting or how severe it is. However, later in life, you'll share this entire journey with your spouse, friends, parents, or children.
The Power of Support
The only thing that truly helped me was a supportive team, especially my manager. Managers are human too, and my manager was able to sympathize with me. This is a testament to true managerial skill, and it highlights the difference between a manager and a leader.
Every leader can be a manager, but not every manager can be a leader. My manager, in this instance, was a true leader. You, too, will find someone who stands by you and has your back. You'll never forget that feeling. These types of connections will be deeply real and last a lifetime.
A New Beginning
Ultimately, the universe wanted you to learn and change. I emerged as a new person with new values from that time. One value I want to share today is a deep desire to help humanity, without any expectation in return. This value is incredibly challenging, but I will strive to uphold it consistently.
I learned to truly listen to my inner voice, something I'd always ignored before. The relentless 'what ifs' eventually forced me to confront my deepest fears and redefine success on my own terms.
Finally, remember this:
No individual can force themselves into anxiety or depression; it's simply impossible.
This means you are strong enough to create nad navigate even the most challenging states, just like a resilient child.
If you're reading this and feeling lost, remember that even in the darkest moments, there's always a path towards understanding and healing. You're not alone.
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